Reasons for Sexual Affairs

You may say that affairs merely fulfill your needs, and helped you avoid feeling lonely or bored. You may imply, " I want to feel good regardless of the consequences of my choices on my partner or family, or on my affair-partner's partner or family ".

You may justify affairs with:

I want ...

excitement and adventure
to seduce or be seduced
to feel desirable or sexually potent
to express love, intimacy, and companionship
to enjoy sensual pleasure and sexual release
to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
to defy my social, religious, or parental rules
to rescue or nurture someone
to avoid the reality of my aging
new or unusual sexual experiences

Attacking, criticizing or defending these justifications will not improve relationships nor resolve partnership needs. Soulwork Systemic Coaching can help restore peace, balance ... and love.

But we were so much in love...

The experience of romantic love may seem to replace any need to develop physical, emotional and spiritual partnership skills. However, sooner or later, lovers will confront their responsibilities and either create deeper bonds, or separate.

Affairs and Divorce

Affairs endanger marriage, although some people say that affairs helps them survive marriage

Divorce is more common among people who have affairs.

Women who have multiple affairs, especially if the affairs start early in a marriage, have the highest divorce rates.

For a woman, if a male partner has a homosexual affair with another man - there may seem no alternative to separation.

For a man, if a female partner has a lesbian affair with another woman - this may not be perceived as betrayal.

Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex!

Affairs and Recovery

Romantic or sexual affairs can control emotions resulting from suppressed or unmet needs. A first step to recovery and happy relationships is relationship diagnosis. Soulwork explores if you

avoid communicating your agendas, values and needs ( partnership skills )
obsess about some other person ( entanglements )
carry guilt or depression from previous relationships ( entanglements )
experience ongoing conflict ( complex conflict )
express your lost "sense of self" ( lost identity )
identify with someone else ( identification )
identify with two people ( identity conflict )
express toxic or resourceless " I am ... " beliefs(relationship bonds )
express trauma and overwhelming emotions ( trauma )
follow toxic role models ( mentor damage )

One or both partners may use complaints and excuses to justify their deception and betrayal.

Coaching after Affairs

Romantic affairs have strong emotional consequences, which may be delayed until an affair is over.

Blame: Following exposure, the partners may energetically and uselessly argue about topics such as " Who really caused this? " or " Why did you make me do it! "
Denial: Many people who choose sexual affairs will deny and lie about their actions if the truth may bring immediate unpleasant consequences.
Grief: The suffering of betrayal, broken dreams and shattered love may be overwhelming to the betrayed person. Suicide attempts may follow an affair.
Guilt: The betraying partner, the betrayed partner and the "third person" carry burdens of guilt. This guilt may be immediate or delayed. Delayed expressions of guilt can manifest as anxiety , depression , hypochondria and psychosomatic disease.

Following a partnership crisis, it may seem impossible for the partners to avoid overwhelming emotions and childish behavior. A Soulwork relationship coach can make space for and referee desperately needed discussions and clarification.

Individual coaching with both partners can clarify entanglements
Couple coaching with both partners can identify and resolve transferences

Types of Affairs

Probably you could have affairs. Happy partnerships do not eliminate the possibility of infidelity - and may even motivate you (if you are entangled with a parent or past-partner) to reduce the emotional intensity of your partnership. Affairs are often passionate, yet rarely mature into long-term relationships.

Repressed Emotions Your repressed emotions and sexual needs may manifest as fascination about the sexuality of other people.

If you are considering or participating in an affair, you probably focus only on your own needs - and you forget or ignore the needs of your life partner and any children, and your affair-partner's relationships.

Business sex (trading sex for money, promotion or favors; including prostitution) may have the least emotional consequences and the highest risk of venereal disease
Sexual affairs and one-night-stands are usually short-term and rarely become love affairs or long-term friendships
In-love affairs can be powerful and life-altering with overwhelming emotions - and usually end in overwhelming suffering for one or both of you
Love affairs can become long friendships - although guilt may motivate you to separate or distance yourself from your affair partner